Hooli Acquires Datanyze, Belson Hires Datanyze Founder as Spiritual Advisor

April 1, 2015 Sam Laber

In the latest string of Silicon Valley shake-ups, tech behemoth, Hooli, has acquired sales intelligence company, Datanyze, for an undisclosed amount of Kind bars, artisanal juices and ping pong balls. According to Hooli CEO, Gavin Belson:

When I discovered that my arch rival, Peter Gregory, was using Datanyze to contact Hooli prospects as soon as they started a free trial, I immediately called an emergency session with my spiritual advisor. During this session, I was instructed to purchase this Datanyze contraption and put an end to the madness.

The details of the acquisition are largely unknown, but it is likely that the Datanyze platform will become an integral part of Hooli’s new “integrated, multi-platform, revenue enhancement suite”. After a lackluster Flo Rida performance at the acquisition party, Belson electrified the audience with a detailed description of the new product line:

The integrated, multi-platform revenue enhancement suite is laser-focused on disrupting traditional revenue generating methods — however at it’s very core, the suite is all about lending a hand to those in need and making the world a better place.

Rumor has it that Datanyze founder and CEO, Ilya Semin, will be joining Hooli as chief technology officer AND as Belson’s new spiritual advisor. Sources were unable to ascertain the specifics, but Semin did leave the following comment in a recent interview:

I think Gavin is under the impression that I had created a product that could predict the future. He asked if I would be interested in joining Hooli’s board of spiritual advisors, but I’m not sure that’s the right move for me at this time. I’ve never taken a yoga class.

It also appears that several Datanyze employees will be joining the Hooli “brogramming” team. These brogrammers will work to integrate the Datanyze platform into the Hooli product suite, then later be excommunicated to one of Hooli’s several “rooftop communities”, where they will likely host killer barbecues and accomplish very little.

Sources were able to catch up with two of these brogrammers, who collectively offered the following comment on the acquisition:

Word?

With TechCrunch Disrupt right around the corner, Belson and Gregory are once again vying for the hottest new startup award. By acquiring Datanyze, Belson has sent a strong message to Gregory that he’s not to be taken lightly this fall. Hold onto your seats everyone, it’s going to be an exciting year!

About the Author

Sam Laber

Sam is the director of marketing at Datanyze. He's a big John Hughes fan who occasionally fills the DZ office with the sweet sweet sounds of 90s rock giant, Creed.

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